Attention all New Yorkers !! When you enter a subway car and you are looking for a seat, check whether you fit or not BEFORE you squeeze in. If you don’t fit, don’t sit! I, and I believe many other New Yorkers, are tired of these lazy, rude, ill-fitting bastards who help to make our mornings worse, by pressing up against us. It seems to me that most people must have a terrible sense of their own size. I find it easy to estimate the amount of room my ass will take up if I place it between two other asses. Most people lack this estimation ability and find it somehow appropriate to pinch their shoulders inward and shimmy between me and the 98 year old Chinese lady from Queensboro Plaza. Enough! I am tired of this feeling of total invasion of personal space. Let’s use the following list as a general guideline for when NOT to sit between two people on the subway:

1. If your shoulders must be pinched in to fit.
2. If you have to lean forward, hunched over your knees for the whole trip.
3. If some (any amount) of your fat remains propped up on the arms, thighs, or shoulders of any other passenger. That is to say, that in a resting position, all your fat should have room to spread out comfortably in own seating area.
4. If you are planning on eating a 4 course breakfast, including Eggs, bacon, cheese, butter, bagel, hash brown, coffe, juice. This is a disaster just waiting to happen. You need more room than normal. In fact a whole section is almost not enough.
5. If you are going to read a newspaper without folding the fucking thing to a width that is no greater than the width of your shoulders. I should not be invaded by your NY Times.
6. If you need to take a huge inward breath in order to just make it between two passengers. Note: That breath will eventually be released, along with your fat, which will surely spill over onto those passengers.
7. If you are sweating profusely, please wait until the air conditioning has dried you off before you attempt any sitting in any seat closer than one seat away from any other passenger. I know the summer heat is coming, so this is a biggy. Nobody wants your disgusting sweat on them. Leave a least a single empty seat custion between you at all times.

This seems very straightforward to me. But every day on the train, some dick always decides that they are so tired and lazy that they have to sit, at all costs, in any available seat, no matter what their size, shape, or hygienic condition, for the 10 minutes that they are on the train. For all of you, and you know who you are, please note that standing for those 10 minutes could not only help in the comfort and mental well-being of your fellow New Yorkers, but also might begin the process of decreasing the size of your fat ass.

Thank you.