Pretty sick weekend for me… Friday was uneventful. I got home from work a little late and was exhausted, so I stayed in. I did a little work on this site and watched DVDs.

Saturday I went to Staten Island to see my parents and go to a surprise 40th birthday for a friend of mine that we call “Old Man Mike.” It turned out to be entirely more fun than I expected, and I didn’t even get hammered. Some of my old friends are funny, and old, and fat. Others are just fat.

Sunday, Superbowl Sunday was the kicker though. Every year on Superbowl Sunday, for more Superbowl Sundays than I can remember, my high school friends and I get together early in the morning to play football. We play on different fields depending on the weather. This year was the artificial turf of Tottenville High School. I can remember a time when these games were no equipment tackle. Now they’re two-hand touch. I can remember these games being HARD two-hand touch. Now it’s pretty soft. I can remember when everyone we knew showed up. Now it’s a 6-on-6 or 7-on-7. I know more people than that. Like I said, some of my old friends are funny, and old, and fat. Others are just fat. I can remember when the games lasted 3 or 4 hours. Now it’s about an hour and a half, maybe 2. I can remember not being sore the next day. Now I can’t stand up to exactly the upright position. Ow. But I’ll tell you something… there really isn’t anything more fun than a bunch of old friends playing football in 25 degree weather at 10am on a Sunday morning. Except…

… a bunch of old friends eating turducken on a Sunday afternoon before the biggest game of the football season until all they can do is trick each out of good positions on the couch for the game, and fart.

“What the fuck is turducken?” you ask. Well I’ll tell you. Turducken is a little known poultry configuration used in fat white-people feasts in a way not that much unlike the traditional Hawaiian roast pig. Turducken is a turkey stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a duck. It is roasted in the oven through the night for 10 - 13 hours. People regularly pay hundreds of dollars for a butcher to prepare this freak of nature. My friend Jon and his Dad have mastered the preparation WITHOUT (typo correction) the use of a butcher however. Over the years they have also continued to step up the feast to what can now only be referred to a pure decadence.

The turkey is deboned from the inside by carefully cutting around the ribcage from the open end. All non-edible pieces are removed. The legs and wings are left on. The same is done for the other birds except the legs and wings are removed. The duck is stuffed with stuffing, then packed around the outside with stuffing and jammed into the chicken, which is also packed around with stuffing. These birds are then stuffed into the turkey and the whole mess is carefully strung together to survive its cooking. The beast is cooked for 10 or so hours through the night, where my friend and his father set their alarm for every 3 hours through the night so they can baste the bird(s). This is how the turducken WAS prepared when they first prepared it.

Two years ago they decided turkey, chicken, and duck fit together too easily. They added cornish game hen to mix. Last year they added a huge pot of chili as a side dish, along with the traditional broccoli and cheese casserole, mashed potatoes, corn, and an insane portobello mushroom gravy made with the drippings of all the birds. Another friend decided to bring not one, but two, dry rubbed London broils which we grilled to perfection (4 minutes each side) shortly before the meal began.

This year the meal was stepped up to a place where no one could ever had imagined. Dubbed the “Turduckduckenenishish,” We were treated to a 27 pound turkey stuffed with 2 chickens stuffed with 2 ducks stuffed with 2 cornish game hens. You did read that correctly, and it IS possible. All the wings of all the birds are placed around the stuffed turkey. They look a little like supporting mini-wings because, God knows, this monster could never fly without them. The whole thing cooked for 13 hours. Mike, the guy who brings the London broils marinated one in hot coffee and then packed the outside with brown sugar. The other was prepared with his traditional dry rub consisting of a complex assortment of secret ingredients. These cooked to perfection on the grill outside.

Beer and multiple servings were had by all. The entire eating process last no longer than 15 minutes. 10 hours to prepare, 13 hours to cook, 1 hour to cut and serve. 15 minutes to eat. 4 hours to lay on Jon’s basement floor, hurting, laughing, and farting. Good god, what a meal. What a great bunch of Super Bowl commercials. What a shitty game. What a weekend.

Epilogue:
There’s a good chance I am going to get some digital pictures of the preparation and final results of the turducken to post here. I’m not sure when. I hurt all over like an old man. I am still farting. I still think the game sucked. And goddammit, that Office Linebacker ad was hysterical.