I got this email the other day that tickled and delighted me. It is the best hate mail I have yet to receive from this website.

It was in regard to this old post I made about how Aquaman is the worst hero ever…, second only to Superman in this post. Well, this nerd got upset… read on:

sir,

just because your buddy there sucks (he’s talking about this guy…) (or is it you on that picture? Sucking is increased a hundred fold!) DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE IN ANYWAY INFINITESIMAL WAY EVEN CLOSE TO BEING RIGHT ABOUT THE CHARACTER OF AQUAMAN!!!A “real hero” , Batman? YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T EVEN GRASP THE TRUE MEANING OF HEROISM , PAL!! Batty boy is nothing but a power-freak PSYCHO! AQUAMAN DOESN’T MERELY FIGHT STREETCRIME AND THE SCUM OF THE EARTH – HE PATROLS THE SEAS , HAVING DOMINION OVER THEM , TO MAKE THEM SAFER FOR TRAILER TRASH LIKE YOU WHO MIGHT WANNA GO SKINNY DIPPING SOMETIME AND FURTHER POLLUTE THE SEA IN THE PROCESS!!! AT WHICH TIME , AQUAMAN SHOULD KICK YOUR SORRY ASS – AND HE WOULD TOO , IF HE WERE REAL!!! KEEP YOUR OPINIONS ABOUT STUFF YOU DON’T FULLY GRASP TO YOURSELF!!!!! [...]

Awesome!!! Well, here is my OFFICIAL response:

Dear nerd,

You are a fucking nerd. Aquaman is a comic book character. He can’t kick my ass because he IS A DRAWING. On top of that, for your information, I am scared of ocean water deeper than where I can touch my feet to the bottom. After just a few minutes treading water, I start thinking about sharks and other sea-based creatures that can easily drown me, swallow me, scratch me, eat me, bite me, or otherwise cause me to die. Then, I freak out and swim faster than the overcranked Johnny Wiesmuller Tarzan swimming across a moat to save Jane from a crocodile. Gilligan style, I propel through the water like a cartoon torpedo, stopping only when my nipples scrape shoreline. Even “Aquaman” can’t do that.

If “Aquaman” (If he WERE real) wants to follow my naked ass into the shallow end of the ocean, I’d be glad to fight him. And I’d win. Unless he found a way to launch a great white shark into 6 inches of water, he has no chance. He “talks to the fishes”, that’s it. The recent “new and improved” aquaman with mullet, beard, and claw-hand looks a little tougher, but I don’t consider him Aquaman at all so he doesn’t count. The only real Aquaman is the Superfriend’s Aquaman, pre-Zan and Jana (the WunderTwins).

THTA Aquaman sucks. There’s nothing you can do or say to change my mind. Everybody knows it excpet you. Face it, you are a nerd and nobody likes you. Try reading a real book this month. Maybe “Gates of Fire” can teach you something about heroism.

In any case, fuck you.

~chris