I wish I had the courage to write this letter. If I win the mega-millions, I promise I will. I promise.

[thank you slob.]

UPDATE: Craigslist took it down, but I KNEW that would happen, so I saved the letter myself. Here it is:

An Open Letter To My Colleagues and Coworkers
2005-10-26, 2:39PM EDT

I’ve been holding most of this in for the past 7 years. Some thank you’s and some fuck you’s - but most assuredly all truths. At end of business I’m fucking gone forever. I’d like to think, however, that I won’t be forgotten. I wonder which of you will still show after work for drinks at Ronin’s.

My partner in crime, Paul B: You are the tits, my friend. We started within 5 days of each other and will be leaving within one month of each other. You have the worst taste in music but the best taste in women. I really don’t think I could have made it without you. I don’t consider you a coworker, you are most definitely a friend. Come hell or high water, we’re keeping our weekly Luger’s lunch. The first one’s on me.

Sweet Stephanie S: You were my very first dip into the delicious talent pool that is Latin women. Seven years ago you took a clueless 22yr old kid and showed him what older women have on younger girls. To this day I use what you taught me…to the delight of all the women I date. I will never forget you; but know that I will never forgive you for marrying that dickhead. You’re better than that, I just wish you realized it.

Helen G: You fucking whore. I’m still shocked that you don’t realize just how transparent you really are. The only reason any of us were nice to you was because you have big tits and your step father has unbelievable Yankee tickets. Did you really think we wouldn’t hear all the shit you talked? We’re fucking friends for Christ’s sake. You will forever be stuck behind that desk answering our calls - and frankly you should feel blessed you have that.

Jennifer S: We met under some precarious circumstances, only to take things where they shouldn’t have gone. I lost two friends because of you, but I have no one to blame but myself. But on a totally different yet equally serious note: what kind of woman shaves her pussy but not under her arms? That’s fucked up honey.

Tom W: I fucked you over once, you forgave me. I fucked you over a second time, you forgave me. I’m so grateful that I was able to right my wrongs and get you out of that jam. That’s the most I’ve ever spoken of that night - and I can assure you the most I will ever speak of it. You always tell me you owe me, but let me just say your friendship is more than enough payback. Besides, what you don’t realize is that you have the worst fucking poker face ever. How many hands in a row did I take off you? You’re my boy.

Melinda M: For my first three years, you were my boss. Then BAM!!! - look how the tables turned. I never forgot how you treated me and Paul and Chris and Jeff - you can bet your ass I’ll be dropping some “knowledge” about you during my exit interview. Did you really think you could run a second business out of creative? Too bad your husband has no concept of how to hold a job, because I’m willing to wager you’ll soon need the extra income.

The entire Accounting Dept: FUCK YOU. Accounting is not what keeps this company thriving, earners like me do. You were supposed to support me, not hang bullshit paperwork over my head. There’s a reason we keep your fat, ugly asses on 11 away from the business - NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOU.

Jaime F: Dude, you’re fucking gay. No one gives a shit about you being gay. What we give a shit about is you constantly making up these girlfriends and fuck buddies in an attempt to mask your painfully obvious homosexuality. There’s only so many times you can say, “I was reading m4m because those guys are crazy” before it gets annoying. Just come out already. I’ll totally stand by you - fuck you can tell people you fucked me if you want. Just come out already, Jesus.

Jessica C: I’m in love with you, period. I always have been and always will be. You are without a doubt the most unbelievable person - an absurd mix of absolute beauty, kindness, personality and taste. God damn I hate the fact that you’re married. I know for a fact we’ve had our shared moments - but of course you would never act on anything because you’re married. Jesus, even he’s a good dude, so I can’t talk shit about him. If for some reason Jake fucks up (please please please), I will pledge my undying love to you forever. Swear.

Aimee R: Honey, you know exactly where you stand with me, I know where I stand with you, and until one of us gets married it’s always going to be that fucking good. Never, ever stop wearing those shoes. Speaking of which, make sure to ask your doorman tonight if you got any packages waiting for you. That’s right, I over did…size 7, right?

Doug K: Fuck nob. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you’re just too fucking nice for your own good. It’s not like, “aw, he’s nice.” It’s more like, “DUDE, THAT FUCKING GUY IS TOO NICE.” I hate making this sound like I don’t like you, because I do. But seriously man, you’re 34 years old - grow a pair.

Jeff J, Sarah H, Mark I, Marc B, Shelley T and Ron G: Fuck off, all of you. It’s not my fault I’m better at my job than you are at yours. It’s not my fault that said fact is so painfully clear that I was put in charge of your group, regardless of the fact that I’m AT LEAST 6 years younger than all of you. Maybe if you talked a little less about your husbands, wives and kids, and focused a bit more on the projects at hand you would have been my boss. Honestly, no one gives a FUCK about Saturday morning youth soccer leagues.

Gayle E: The sexual tension between us is so intense that it wakes me up at night. I’ve never pursued one woman for so long with out giving up or achieving the goal. When I finally get that, you are going to be sore for days. Oh, you KNOW I’m going to get that.

Randi G: You’re a fucking pig. Stop stuffing your face like that, it’s fucking gross. And no, you CANNOT run the marathon, ever. I know that next week you will have “twisted your ankle” or “sprained a knee” which you shall claim will prevent you from participating. But the fact remains you’re are full of shit and can’t do it. It’s okay to admit it, lots of us can’t do it. We just don’t lie about it to make ourselves feel better.

Rhonda L: I don’t really know you all that well, don’t really see you very often. But four years ago we had our little roll in the bathroom at the holiday party. So I just wanted to A) say thanks for giving me the opportunity to fuck a girl named Rhonda, I think it’s hot; and B) let all the men stuck here that contrary to your quiet demeanor, you’re a filthy fucking woman. Well done.

Richard W: the only boss I’ve ever had that I liked - until I found out you sold me out in an attempt to cover your own ass. I never once confronted you about it, but Jaime told me how you blamed me. I’m just thankful that he didn’t believe you. Oh, and just so you know, it was me who put all the viagra in your coffee. I always thought the Irish curse was a myth - guess I was wrong.

Caroline A: Your annoying voice trumps your fantastic rack and perfect ass. When I look at you all I can think about is fucking you. But when I hear you speak outloud, I want to kill you. Such a waste of perfect tits ass….but honestly, shut it.

Bill G: Dude, I have nothing against you. You’re a pretty fair, reasonable, even somewhat funny guy. But I think you should know that you’re are know around the office as sloth - you know, the fucked up guy from Goonies. Sorry dude, it’s your forehead and ears, they make you a dead ringer for him. Again, I don’t mean this negatively, just giving you the score.

Jerome W: I can’t thank you enough for the countless times you cleaned porn off my hard drive. You know for a fact that no one passed you the alley-oop better than me - Basketball City League Champs three years in a row. Take me to Rucker, I want to get worked over by “reall ballahs.”

Gabrielle - I still feel really guilty about taking your bf’s jet’s tickets so many times, only to fuck you after the game each time we went. I’m really glad to hear you broke up with him, because I was dreading going to your wedding with that over my head. I did pay for the tickets once - does that make you a prostitute?

Jeff A: El Presidente of our happily little family here. I learned more from you than I did over 4 years of Ivy education. You are the only one that I felt truly respected the fact that I could get the job done even though I was (and still am) so young.

I truly hope that one day I will begin to repay to you all that you have given me. I know you don’t care, but I still feel really bad about fucking your ex wife. I SWEAR I had no idea.To everyone else I forgot to mention or chose not to write about: You clearly didn’t make enough of an impression on me, or I just don’t really give a fuck about you. And frankly, maybe you’re better off - as you can see, I’m a pretty big dick.

PB - I told you’d forward this on to everyone in the office.