It’s 2:30am here in Dubai and I can’t sleep. I’ve got to be up in 3 1/2 hours, and I am sitting here surfing the restricted internet and listening to stolen music. Just downloaded and heard Massive Attack’s “Live With Me.” Good track. It’s not insomnia as much as bad sleeping habits. Today’s was the Sheik’s birthday so we had off from work. Last night we got completed pissed out of our heads, and I got home at 2am after dropping Tara Tiger off in Karama. (I know, I know, and her friend is called Katie Kitty or something like that.) This afternoon I accidentally woke up at 2:30pm. Not good. So here I am, 12 hours later trying to fall asleep, which isn’t going to happen. Daniel Powter is playing now. He’s like the poor man’s James Blunt, only gayer. Vanessa Carlson is the poor man’s Regina Spektor.

I really enjoy a good nut. I also enjoy a cute monkey. And midgets. I love midgets.

I have considered faking disability in order to be officially issued a Helping Hands Monkey. (BEST logo of any company ever. Wrote about them here.) I called them once, asking if I could be a foster parent for one - they actually have those, but it turned out that you need to go to Nevada and live on the farm for a week until they decide whether or not you’d be a good Capuchin monkey parent. Of course, I am sure they would find me ineligible if only for the alcohol abuse, but I digress. You also need a stay-at-home job, a bedroom just for the monkey, a $10,000 “fee”, and about $10,000 in equipment, cages, and shock devices. I am kidding about the shock devices. So, in any case, I can’t have one “officially” so it’s falsifying documents and a spit controlled wheelchair for me…

If I ever get the monkey, I will name him “Nut Monkey.” He would have a backpack full of nuts of all types, and he would know the difference between each. He would walk silently next to me (or sit on my shoulder) wherever I went. I would look at him and reach out my hand and say, “Nut Monkey, cashew!” And he would dig around in his backpack and find me one and hand it to me. I could ask for everything from “Brazil” to “Filbert” and he would get it right every time. I think it would be cute if I asked him for something that he didn’t know, he would shrug his shoulders. Monkeys shrugging there shoulders are about the best thing I can think of. This monkey with a cat friend is pretty sweet also.

I reckon Macadamia nuts are the best tasting nut of all time. I never thought of buying anything other than Mauna Loa Macadamia Nuts before, since they come from Hawaii and that’s where the nuts started. Today I bought some odd Arab brand from Sharjah, but instead of plain old salted macadamia nuts, these were honey roasted. Well, I never thought macadamia nuts could get any better, but I was wrong.

I hear there is a bar/restaurant in Cairo owned an operated by midgets. Now the pyramids aren’t the only reason to visit Egypt anymore. I will pan a trip there soon, I hope. The midget bar is DEFINITELY on the itinerary.

I am in the midst of a technology catastrophe tonight. I went ahead and bought myself an extravagant birthday present, a brand new GSM cellphone, not available in the US. I thought, shit, if I am going to be here, I might as well take advantage of something like that. Well, this phone is ridiculously nice, the Nokia 6280, slider phone, MP3 player, built-in radio, 2 megapixel digital camera, EGDE and 3G network capable, serious, serious technology. So I get it all working and charged up this afternoon, and get ready to switch from my newly-unlocked Treo 650 to this thing, and so I swap out the SIM card, and blammo. The phone switches over to Arabic. Now I can’t fucking read the menus and I have no fucking clue how to switch it back. Reading the manual = useless. Scanning the Arabic manual = useless. Fuck. I switched back over to the Treo, and I am hoping somebody at work in the morning can read Arabic.

I am deathly afraid of the ass-nozzle in all the bathrooms here in Dubai. Basically, in addition to the random bidets (like the one in my apartment) there is also a hose with a spray nozzle in every single bathroom here. It turns out that it is not a drinking fountain! It’s for cleaning of the ass, which sounds kind of nice, but logistically is very hard to get my head around. Where do you point your ass? The water shoots out so hard and so fast that basically if you choose the angle wrong, you are looking at a full accidental colonic treatment. Seriously, I occasionally use the nozzle to play games and blast water across the entire bathroom at the shower curtain. It flies up and gets early pinned against the shower wall. That is some serious PSI. In any case, I can understand attempting to use this thing in the privacy of your own home…but in a public restroom!? (Tara Tiger says that Arabs don’t use paper at all. She’s white, so I don’t know if she can be trusted to understand these matters completely.) People definitely touch that nozzle right onto their asshole, on purpose or on accident doesn’t matter at all. And then you come along, and either drink from the thing, or put right up onto your asshole!!?? I don’t think so. In addition, how do you prevent your clothes from getting completely soaked? You’ve got pants around your ankles, your dangling shirt tails, what the fuck!? I am afraid one aspect of Arab culture I will not be adopting (in addition to sobriety and swine-free dining) is the ass nozzle. I’ll stick with Mr. Whipple and keep squeezing the Charmin, thank you.

I cooked garlic panko flake crusted king fish filet tonight, and Thai sticky rice. Not bad. I don’t have a microwave, or really any way of heating it up, so invariably the leftovers in the fridge will go bad and get tossed out. That really sucks. King fish is quite good.

I found a laundry/dry cleaning service today that picks up and delivers. They charge “by the piece” even for the laundry part. They couldn’t understand when I told them not to press the laundry stuff. They were like, “Well you don’t understand, it’s free with the washing.” And I was like, “It’s t-shirts, socks, and underpants. Why would you press those?” They never fully got it, and I certain my boxers are going to feel like cardboard on Wednesday when they deliver.

I’ll write about how to download TV shows soon, so you all can join me, but let me just say that I have seen all The Soprano’s this season so far, and am downloading Sunday’s episode right now. I am addicted to Lost, and am almost out of bootlegged DVDs. I am downloading episode 15 of this season right now as well. Too good.

I’ve made $9.59 so far from Google Adsense ads. Not good. Optimization will happen soon.

It’s getting real late and my client reads this blog, so I should go to bed. I am going to be useless tomorrow and he’ll know why.