No, not the excellent TV show I have recently become addicted to. I have been downloading and catching up on episodes regularly, and I am almost up-to-date. The LAST thing in the world I want is for somebody to let something out of the bag. I DO NOT want to know.

No, I mean “lost”, as in, very lost in the United Arab Emirates for the first time since driving here. Yesterday, I decided to try to find IKEA, yes IKEA, here in Dubai, in order to pick up some odds and ends, and try to find some kind of covering for my ugly couches. I found IKEA just fine, actually, and had a the typically surreal experience in Dubai or marveling at the shear size of a building, and at the assortment of people-types who shop inside it. IKEA Dubai is 2 or 3 times bigger than any other IKEA I’ve ever been to. I bought 250 dirhams worth of well designed but crappily made shit, no sofa covers though, and headed back home.

On my way, I made must’ve made a wrong turn at Albuquerque, because suddenly I found myself lost. It wasn’t so bad at first. I was on a road where I had some idea where I was, but I just didn’t know how to get facing towards the Garhood Bridge that I needed. Then, I stopped and got gas and asked how to get to that bridge. The guy got me pointed in the right direction, and in my confidence, I turned the music up. And then I drove and drove and drove, and no bridge ever turned up. And then I turned and drive, and turned again, and thought I had it right when I headed towards Diera, which is sort-of where I work. And then the airport showed up, and I had a suspicion it was usually on the other side of the highway I was on, but I was sure I was headed the right direction, but I wasn’t.

And then I started noticing landmarks, distinct buildings under construction that I knew I had seen before. Now, in general, construction and cranes of any type are bad landmarks because every bloody thing in Dubai is under construction. (Also, as Will has warned me repeatedly in the past, the street signs are absolute shit. They generally point you in the direction of a town or area or landmark, but are inconsistent as you follow them…) So the building I recognized are in Sharjah. Sharjah is not Dubai, it’s not IN Dubai, it’s the next fucking Emirate over. It is real bad, and you are real lost, when the signs no longer point at towns in Dubai, but Dubai as a whole. Basically, fucked.

Now, it’s night time, the traffic is ridiculous, and the signs are useless. There is NOWHERE to turn around, so you just get off the highway and hope. And then you drive around a pace where the laws are different. This is place where if you get in a car accident and there is beer in your trunk, and not in your system, you go to jail. Not friendly.

The whole ordeal went on for an hour and half. I refused, out of principle, to call my client for directions. I did stop at a few gas stations and got BROKEN English finger pointing. Eventually, the “Dubai” signs paid off, and giant 4X4 sign outside of Mercator near Cargo Village let me know I was on the right track.