email to my body parts
Hey guys,
Just wanted to write you a quick note to apologize for last night. Not cool. I know, I know. I am officially putting myself on a timeout if that’s any consolation. You all have been treating me pretty well so far, with the small exception of you, Ass. For everyone else, I know I shouldn’t put you through such abuse.
Lips and tongue, I know I insist it tastes good, but you both know differently. Tullamore Dew is not for you, in either direction, I understand now.
Legs, you performed admirably under extreme circumstances. No falling, only minor stumbling. Nice job, keep it up.
Arm, you did nothing to deserve what I did to you. Nobody should ever get thrown up on like that. Please don’t hold it against me.
Liver, my bad! You have been doing a great job processing all the poisons I ingest, but nearly a whole bottle of Irish Whiskey is a lot, even for you. I don’t know what I was thinking… oh wait a second…
Brain, where the FUCK were you!!????
Stomach, I have been doing my best to start putting only good things into you. The double Whopper and Chicken Royale today were an extreme exception. I was doing it for you, to make you feel better after last night. I’ll try harder.
Fat, please talk to stomach. We’re all pretty tired of you.
Kindey(s), dear god. Ibuprofen and Diet Coke? Way to hang in there boys…
Esophagus, yeah, sorry about all that. I don’t remember doing it, but thanks for not letting me die in my own puke. To be honest, I was a bit surprised by how far away from my head you were able to launch it. Good looking out.
Eyes, keep taking your break, you deserve it. To be honest, you aren’t very useful in your state right now anyway.
So again, all of you (except Ass), I am going to try to take better care you. Ass, you got what you deserved.
Sincerely,
Chris
Funniest thing you’ve written in a long time.
This is pure genius.
chris,
i’m writing to you about the memo you sent to the rest of your body.
i overheard your ass talking about it with your stomach - as you know, your ass sits in the cubicle next to me.
i was quite dissapointed i was not cc’d as my department has a few issues with you (senior management).
i believe your use of me for non-business related activities lately has been a bit wreckless and not in the best interest of the rest of the company.
i checked the employee handbook - and while use of company equipment for business related activities is recognized and encouraged - nowhere in it did it say masturbating using butter to a maxim magazine 5 times a day was company policy.
i had an informal meeting with your testicles and we’re tired of working the longer hours outside the scope of our job description. while these efforts surely satisfy senior management, we feel overworked and a bit unprofessional performing the said task.
can we please meet later this week to talk about some sort of resolution? there is talk of a general strike going on down in our department. you wouldn’t want that now, would you?
sincerely,
your penis
‘Dear Penis.
You’re such a stiff.’
HAHAHA!!
Ahhhhh….Good times. Good times.
You are funny. “Your penis” is pretty damn funny too. Very cute letter. You shouldn’t apologized to your feet for walking them through the “bile river.”