“This is Flight 10 to Tower, we’ve got a primary reverse oil pump malfunction light. Standby.”
“Acknowledged. Standing by.”

“Proceeding with emergency checklist.”
“The primary oil pump for the reverse thruster is out. Does that mean anything else for us?”
“Ummm. No, I don’t think so. The only issue will be reverse on the ground. But it could be a sign of bigger issues. We’ll can get it sorted out in Sydney if they’ve got the parts.”
“Any other issues?”
“None that I can think of.”
“Tower, this Flight 10, put us on with the manufacturer ASAP.”

…

“Ummm. That’s smoke. Real smoke.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes, but smoke was streaming from behind the dashboard. It filled the tiny cabin quickly.
“Procedure is to put on our masks first, then go through the smoke checklist.”
“Yeah, OK.”
The two pilots pulled full oxygen masks from behind their seats. Not the orange cones they give you in economy, but full one face masks and hoses. They put their headsets on over them.

In muffled voices now:
“Flight 10 to tower, we’ve got smoke in the cockpit. Don’t know where it’s coming from.”
“Revise that. That’s a mayday level call. The smoke is coming from EVERYWHERE.”
“Tower, revise that. Mayday. Mayday. We need immediate clearance for landing. Repeat, mayday. Mayday.”
“Tower here, you’re authorized for a rapid descent to 10000. Repeat 10000. Turn around and head back into Dubai. Change course to heading 190. You’ll be landing on runway 120. Repeat 1-2-left.”
“Roger that. We’re rapid descending to 10000 on heading 190. Proceeding to runway 1-2-left.”

The cockpit lurched to the left and pointed downward. We were pushed back our seats in the back corners of the cockpit. It’s hard to believe we were watching this happen. Visibility in cockpit was poor and it became difficult to see anything good through the cloud of smoke. I could see Will clearly though, he was smiling ear to ear.

When Spiro, who played equal parts Air Traffic Controller and God of Thunder, first pressed “Control Board Smoke,” I expected flashing warning lights and alert beeping, not actually smoke. These guys go all out, and if the stress level in the pilots’ voices was any indication, it was working well. He leaned over and whispered, “Don’t worry, it’s water.”

“What else do we do?”
“We’re in rapid descent. Heading is right. We’ll be in holding until they clear the runway. Should we request emergency service and evacuation.”
“I think so. Let’s check with the cabin crew for smoke in the rear.”
“Pilot to crew chief. We’ve got some technical problems up hear. We’ll be proceeding back to Dubai and exiting the passengers to another aircraft. Just a confirmation, do you have any smoke in the rear cabin?”

I guess it would have been nice to let them know before he lurched the imaginary passengers into a full dive, but it seemed a perfectly calm way to ask if the whole friggin plane was on fire. The stress level was high, but these guys stayed relatively calm. Not bad, for students.

Saturday morning, fighting a hangover and sleep deprivation, Will and I got up at 6am and made our 8am appointment at the training college, where our friend Spiro runs the simulator facility. He was gracious enough to let us sit in on a simulator training exercise, and it was fantastic. Other than the fact that our appointment was actually 9am and we had sit in the car listening to shitty radio, during Ramadan, unable to drink in public despite raging hangovers. Well, Will’s was raging, mine was simmering. But I was still thirsty.

The latest simulators for the Boeing 777-300 are outrageous. 20 feet in the air, these space-age pods sit on a dozen hydraulic actuators, all tuned to produce the most subtle, realistic movements, from violent turbulence to the faint bump of connecting with one of the taxi trucks. The cockpit is a perfect, working replica of the actual aircraft cockpit. High resolution screens mounted some distance in front of the cockpit windows produce a perfectly perspectived and rendered scenes of the airports and surrounding landscapes. Takeoff and landing looks and feels real. Real. Amazing.

Spiro, the instructor, actor, and God of all things catastrophic, has the best job on the planet. He sits in the center of the cockpit on an elevated seat so he can see every movement of the pilots. On his touch screen monitors, he invents things to throw at the team. I saw choices for turbulence, thunderstorms, smoke, hydraulic failures, computer failures, and flame-outs. He choreographs a symphony of mayhem designed to push the pilots, but never hard enough for them to crack. He tries not to stack up problems on top of one another. When the oil pump checklist was complete, he broke character and told the pilots, “OK, forget that now, problem fixed itself. Let’s move onto a landing.” Super smart guy - he knows everything, everything about these aircraft, and it all comes out in these sessions. Everything from proper emergency procedure to how the FAA prefers the pilot holds the thruster knob. He probably has one of the best jobs ever.

One interesting thing I learned is the modern aircrafts’ ability to fly and land itself. Not only can these planes take full direction from various control towers along the route, essentially flying on autopilot the whole time, but the newer ones have a special GPS enabled system that can literally fly itself without intervention from anyone. When Spiro asked the pilot to bring in the plane for a landing at one point, the pilot asked, “You mean you want me to actually fly this thing in for a landing? OK, but I haven’t piloted an aircraft in two months…” Awesome.

Out of respect for security, and the pilots’ sanity, I took no photos of the facility or the event. But I wish I had snuck in a shot or two. I kept my mouth shut despite knowing some of the answers to some of Spiro’s questions. I felt like pushing the pilot aside at one point and attempting a barrel roll, but I resisted.

This was an amazing, amazing experience and I need to thank Will, Dmitri, and Spiro for making it happen despite busy schedules, security issues, and hangovers. I sort of want to be a pilot now, but I’m not going to jump into anything just yet. I may need a few more sessions in the simulator to make my decision.