wet-wipe manifesto

In Dubai and all over the Middle East, most bathrooms are equipped with what I jokingly called the “ass nozzle”. It’s a hose coming out of the wall with a pistol grip water nozzle, similar to that found on the flexible hose next to your kitchen sink. It’s purpose, of course, is to help you have a cleaner, fresher experience, especially in the heat of the desert summer. I resisted using it for many, many months, but eventually tried it, liked it, and slowly became addicted to it. In May of last year, a little over a year ago, a super funny blog post by AAAA That’s Five A’s titled, “A Wet-Wipe Manifesto” opened my eyes to a traveling and post-ass nozzle lifestyle of cleanliness. Their argument is hilarious, but sanitarily sound:

Imagine visiting a friends home for dinner and afterwards you offer to help with the dishes. You friend welcomes your help and tosses you a roll of paper towels. They explain that they don’t use water or soap to clean their dishes and utensils, they simply wipe them down with a dry paper towel and put them back in the cupboard.

That pretty much sums it up. You simply cannot actually be clean down there by using just dry paper.

You might remember back when I was having some issues and I purchased this Middle Eastern Preparation H substitute. Well, the truth is that I never used it. Baby wipes actually solved the problem, and no other kind of problem has every popped up since. I have fully adopted the baby wipe as a natural part of my bathroom ritual. More recently I have become a full Baby Wipe Evangelist. So let me spell it out for you.

Using baby wipes to clean yourself after number 2 will change your life forever. You have never felt so clean and fresh before. Your health will improve. Your ass will love you. Girls will love you. You’ll smile more. You’ll carry travel wipes in your backpack. Traveling will be better. 13 hour flights will be better. Roadtrips will be better. Sitting down will be better. Your whole life will be better.

Trust me. I have converted a few people already and they are all much happier for it. One friend, a guy, recently said this to me, “You fucking bastard. It makes me sick, but now I think of you every time I wipe my ass.” His bathroom is now fully stocked with baby wipes, all the time.

So, in summation, read the manifesto, trust me, trust AAAA, and change your life. Use baby wipes.

8 Comments to “wet-wipe manifesto”

  1. Josh said something

    Awesome. I’m glad the blogging Chris we used to know is back!

  2. jay said something

    My name is Jason and I’m a wipe user. 10 years strong and my hiney loves me.

  3. Rob said something

    Ever since my daughter was born, I’ve used her baby wipes to clean up after “big potty”, to speak in two year old terms.


  4. Charlie said something

    I just converted all the males (3) at my office to “baby wipers”. I brought a giant pack in, put em’ next to the toilet…and they went like hotcakes. I was inspired by the guys at my second job…who put the wipes on a red hot radiator in the winter. You have never felt such heavenly bliss as a heated wipe on your bunghole after a huge shat. It’s a great pick me up in the middle of a hectic workday!

    PS – I reccommend purchasing a baby wipe warmer if you don’t have a radiator handy.

  5. peter said something

    I’m semi coverted. loaded the story to Kipp this morning, let’s see where it goes


  6. robin said something

    It’s taken me five days to not think of you whenever I wipe my butt. Especially at the office where the crappers’ spew is strong enough to scare little children AND grown men, and thus get mentioned in this blog back in 2005 or so. Oops, here I am back at your baby wipe posting. I guess you’ll be popping into my mind at scatalogical moments through the holiday weekend.

  7. Lota User said something

    What most Asian families whom don’t have the what you call so lovingly the “ass nozzle” do is have a specialized container(Lota) of water next to the shitter. Phase 1 u drizzle the water over your ass followed by phase 2 use toilet paper to finish off.

    The whole thing is all about cleanliness which is stressed in Islam.


  8. Greg said something

    Wipes do work, but I’m not a fan of the smell. I recently tried a “man” wipe called Clean Beans (www.cbwipes.com) and was very impressed with the results. Larger size and a manly scent that didn’t linger were the pluses.

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