OK, so Mike Myers‘ The Love Guru was nearly universally panned by every critic in the business. It bombed this weekend at the box office, bringing in only $13.9 million. The only semi-positive review I could find came from Peter Rainer at the Christian Science Monitor (how ironic). My favorite negative review came from Harry Knowles at Ain’t It Cool News. He calls it,
Unfuckingbelievably unspeakably awful. THE LOVE GURU is astonishingly rancid… THE LOVE GURU is one of the most inept pathetic terrifyingly awful experiences I’ve ever suffered through.”
Anyway, I guess my point is that this movie is terrible and I am not going to see it, BUT, I am extremely interested in the movie poster. You see, it is hanging up above the gas station on Houston St. bet Lafayette and Crosby. This whole area is blanketed in giant billboards, typically very risque fashion ads, but increasingly family friendly, unfortunately. This the corner of SoHo where we’ve seen Kate Moss’s nipples and the full, anatomically correct outline of Antonio Sabato Jr.’s and Mark Wahlberg’s packages. Now it has Wall-e, PSP, The Singing Office (shudder), and a very antiseptic CK ad that feels more like the Gap than Calvin. Alongside all of these is the poster for The Love Guru, seen below with the Puck Building in the background, and the (shudder) Singing Office poster to its right.
Looks innocent enough I suppose. But take a closer look at Justin Timberlake’s tattoo’s. In the movie he plays a well-endowed hockey player. I don’t know the details because I haven’t seen the shit, but one of the gag’s is his tattoo, “The Man, The Legend” with arrows pointing up and down around his belly button. Here is a screencap from the movie:
Now look closely again at the poster.
That’s right, they photoshopped the down arrow into an exclamation point! The down arrow is safe enough for 13 years olds who go to see this movie (PG13 rating), but too crazy for the 12-n-unders walking around SoHo closely examining movie billboards. I guess the joke is on us. A down arrow is far too risque for innocent little us. God forbid we laugh at a minor penis joke. Unfuckingbelievable. Is this fucking SoHo or Disneyland? I mean, I understand it is a good thing we don’t have streetwalking hookers in Times Square anymore, but Jesus Christ, must all references to sexuality be glossed over? Where the fuck do we live?
You might remember my eyeopening experience with a censored version of FHM in Dubai many months ago. It’s that kind of distrust of the adult population that I expect from the middle east. But not in NYC.
How much more bullshit must we endure for the sake of coddling your children? That’s right, I said “your” and not “our”. I don’t have any fucking kids, and I have a potty mouth, and I’m a pervert, and I like porn.
Furthermore, it seems our protections of your children are limited to sexuality. Certainly violence is something we have accepted as normal and healthy for viewers of all ages. Kimbo Slice, the street thug turned cagefighting thug headlines MMAs first primetime appearance on CBS a few weeks ago (be sure to watch round 3 vs. James Thompson, where Thomson’s cauliflower ear explodes blood from the beating), graphic war violence footage everywhere from network news to The History Channel, violent video games (I know we try to protect your kids with Mature ratings for the extreme violence such as murdering hookers in the GTA series, but there is a hell of a lot of other violence in nearly every other game out there), on and on and on. But God forbid they catch a glimpse of a nipple, or hear a penis joke, then all hell breaks loose.
I, for one, am looking forward to the forthcoming economic recession. Maybe the some of the seedy will return to my beloved city and your kids will be traumatized by an areola. Fuck you you backward fucks.