the love guru and the PG-ization of NYC

OK, so Mike MyersThe Love Guru was nearly universally panned by every critic in the business. It bombed this weekend at the box office, bringing in only $13.9 million. The only semi-positive review I could find came from Peter Rainer at the Christian Science Monitor (how ironic). My favorite negative review came from Harry Knowles at Ain’t It Cool News. He calls it,

Unfuckingbelievably unspeakably awful. THE LOVE GURU is astonishingly rancid… THE LOVE GURU is one of the most inept pathetic terrifyingly awful experiences I’ve ever suffered through.”

Anyway, I guess my point is that this movie is terrible and I am not going to see it, BUT, I am extremely interested in the movie poster. You see, it is hanging up above the gas station on Houston St. bet Lafayette and Crosby. This whole area is blanketed in giant billboards, typically very risque fashion ads, but increasingly family friendly, unfortunately. This the corner of SoHo where we’ve seen Kate Moss’s nipples and the full, anatomically correct outline of Antonio Sabato Jr.’s and Mark Wahlberg’s packages. Now it has Wall-e, PSP, The Singing Office (shudder), and a very antiseptic CK ad that feels more like the Gap than Calvin. Alongside all of these is the poster for The Love Guru, seen below with the Puck Building in the background, and the (shudder) Singing Office poster to its right.
Img 0474 - 2008-06-22 At 11-10-35

Looks innocent enough I suppose. But take a closer look at Justin Timberlake’s tattoo’s. In the movie he plays a well-endowed hockey player. I don’t know the details because I haven’t seen the shit, but one of the gag’s is his tattoo, “The Man, The Legend” with arrows pointing up and down around his belly button. Here is a screencap from the movie:
Justin Timberlake 400

Blurry zoom.
Justin Timberlake Arrow-Close

Now look closely again at the poster.
Img 0476 - 2008-06-22 At 11-10-53

That’s right, they photoshopped the down arrow into an exclamation point! The down arrow is safe enough for 13 years olds who go to see this movie (PG13 rating), but too crazy for the 12-n-unders walking around SoHo closely examining movie billboards. I guess the joke is on us. A down arrow is far too risque for innocent little us. God forbid we laugh at a minor penis joke. Unfuckingbelievable. Is this fucking SoHo or Disneyland? I mean, I understand it is a good thing we don’t have streetwalking hookers in Times Square anymore, but Jesus Christ, must all references to sexuality be glossed over? Where the fuck do we live?

You might remember my eyeopening experience with a censored version of FHM in Dubai many months ago. It’s that kind of distrust of the adult population that I expect from the middle east. But not in NYC.

How much more bullshit must we endure for the sake of coddling your children? That’s right, I said “your” and not “our”. I don’t have any fucking kids, and I have a potty mouth, and I’m a pervert, and I like porn.

Furthermore, it seems our protections of your children are limited to sexuality. Certainly violence is something we have accepted as normal and healthy for viewers of all ages. Kimbo Slice, the street thug turned cagefighting thug headlines MMAs first primetime appearance on CBS a few weeks ago (be sure to watch round 3 vs. James Thompson, where Thomson’s cauliflower ear explodes blood from the beating), graphic war violence footage everywhere from network news to The History Channel, violent video games (I know we try to protect your kids with Mature ratings for the extreme violence such as murdering hookers in the GTA series, but there is a hell of a lot of other violence in nearly every other game out there), on and on and on. But God forbid they catch a glimpse of a nipple, or hear a penis joke, then all hell breaks loose.

I, for one, am looking forward to the forthcoming economic recession. Maybe the some of the seedy will return to my beloved city and your kids will be traumatized by an areola. Fuck you you backward fucks.

8 Comments to “the love guru and the PG-ization of NYC”

  1. Will said something

    Good rant

  2. jason said something

    I was thinking about this exact thing last night while stoned.

    They’re not protecting kids.
    It’s the lowest denominator faction of human beings that are so terrified of offending or being offended that keep progress (physical, political, social, philosophical or otherwise) difficult for the rest of us that want to move it along.
    The kind of people that argue games like GTA shouldn’t be made even though they are rated for adults because ‘kids will play them anyway’. They’ve stuck with that argument ever since the first ‘offensive’ game came out back in…I don’t know, when wass Chess invented? ‘That bishop looks a bit phallic.’ But they know it’s not about kids. And you know it’s not about kids.

    And as far as this ‘Where the fuck do we live’ business, we live in The United States of America. One of the most fucked up countries on the continent. One big difference being that many of the countries actually realize that they’re fucked up, and rise up against…whoever. Americans are so fucked up, they don’t even realize that they’re fucked up. This ignorance is usually touted as ‘national pride or patriotism’, as if those words have any meaning in a country that only uses similar terms to shield the inexplicable things they do.

    P.S.
    I can’t believe you didn’t ‘front-page’ the Bill Gates email.
    That thing is epic.
    I always knew I liked him.

  3. robin said something

    Good rant, and very frickin’ observant of you, C. I wonder who the dweeb was who ordered or approved that photoshop fix. Could it be another of Mike Myers’ many blunders on this film. I can’t believe that there was some external pressure in advance of the poster itself. Kids who are too young for this kind of humor won’t get it. Kids who are old enough will. Newsflash, this country will change faster if we stop electing conservative old men.

  4. crissy said something

    love the rant…miss you and porn loving potty mouth self in the middle east.

    we’re still waiting for sex and the city to come out. i think they will have about a decade or so more to wait, hopefully i’ll be back in a libral country by then.

  5. Brian said something

    Looking at the reviews, I’d say they photoshopped out the best joke in the movie. Shame.

    BTW: No children, potty mouth, likes porn, cultural commentator, and atheist.

    Is this Bill Maher?

  6. Tyler Love said something

    Honestly this is what it comes down to…

    god is violent, so that’s ok.

    god never fucked anyone though, so that’s not ok.

  7. mike55 said something

    Balls to the potty mouth, what about the potty mind? Back from Hols and too lazy to trawl through emails, so I thought I’d get in touch this way. Will write in a day or two

  8. Carel said something

    Hey Chris,

    When are you going to make that move to Amsterdam? Not to imply it is better then NY, but you won’t get worked up over these kind of things over there

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