Unfuckingbelievably unspeakably awful. THE LOVE GURU is astonishingly rancid… THE LOVE GURU is one of the most inept pathetic terrifyingly awful experiences I’ve ever suffered through.”

Anyway, I guess my point is that this movie is terrible and I am not going to see it, BUT, I am extremely interested in the movie poster. You see, it is hanging up above the gas station on Houston St. bet Lafayette and Crosby. This whole area is blanketed in giant billboards, typically very risque fashion ads, but increasingly family friendly, unfortunately. This the corner of SoHo where we’ve seen Kate Moss’s nipples and the full, anatomically correct outline of Antonio Sabato Jr.’s and Mark Wahlberg’s packages. Now it has Wall-e, PSP, The Singing Office (shudder), and a very antiseptic CK ad that feels more like the Gap than Calvin. Alongside all of these is the poster for The Love Guru, seen below with the Puck Building in the background, and the (shudder) Singing Office poster to its right.

Looks innocent enough I suppose. But take a closer look at Justin Timberlake’s tattoo’s. In the movie he plays a well-endowed hockey player. I don’t know the details because I haven’t seen the shit, but one of the gag’s is his tattoo, “The Man, The Legend” with arrows pointing up and down around his belly button. Here is a screencap from the movie:

Blurry zoom.

Now look closely again at the poster.

That’s right, they photoshopped the down arrow into an exclamation point! The down arrow is safe enough for 13 years olds who go to see this movie (PG13 rating), but too crazy for the 12-n-unders walking around SoHo closely examining movie billboards. I guess the joke is on us. A down arrow is far too risque for innocent little us. God forbid we laugh at a minor penis joke. Unfuckingbelievable. Is this fucking SoHo or Disneyland? I mean, I understand it is a good thing we don’t have streetwalking hookers in Times Square anymore, but Jesus Christ, must all references to sexuality be glossed over? Where the fuck do we live?

You might remember my eyeopening experience with a censored version of FHM in Dubai many months ago. It’s that kind of distrust of the adult population that I expect from the middle east. But not in NYC.

How much more bullshit must we endure for the sake of coddling your children? That’s right, I said “your” and not “our”. I don’t have any fucking kids, and I have a potty mouth, and I’m a pervert, and I like porn.

Furthermore, it seems our protections of your children are limited to sexuality. Certainly violence is something we have accepted as normal and healthy for viewers of all ages. Kimbo Slice, the street thug turned cagefighting thug headlines MMAs first primetime appearance on CBS a few weeks ago (be sure to watch round 3 vs. James Thompson, where Thomson’s cauliflower ear explodes blood from the beating), graphic war violence footage everywhere from network news to The History Channel, violent video games (I know we try to protect your kids with Mature ratings for the extreme violence such as murdering hookers in the GTA series, but there is a hell of a lot of other violence in nearly every other game out there), on and on and on. But God forbid they catch a glimpse of a nipple, or hear a penis joke, then all hell breaks loose.

I, for one, am looking forward to the forthcoming economic recession. Maybe the some of the seedy will return to my beloved city and your kids will be traumatized by an areola. Fuck you you backward fucks.

[via jalopnik.]

Every nerd bone in my body is tingling.

[via gizmodo.]

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. They’re my work, they’re my play, they’re my passion. Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal, it is a matter of how you pick them. There are some people that are not into all the words. There are some that would have you not use certain words. There are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7 of them you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They’d have to be outrageous to be seperated from a group that large. All of you over here,you 7, Bad Words. That’s what they told us they were, remember? “That’s a bad word!” No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions, and words. You know the 7, don’t you, that you can’t say on television? “Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits” Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that’ll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. “Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, CockSucker, MotherFucker, and Tits” Wow! …and Tits doesn’t even belong on the list. That is such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? “Hey, Tits, come here, man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots.” It sounds like a snack, doesn’t it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don’t mean your sexist snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits, Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One.” That’s true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I’m not completely insensetive to people’s feelings. I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like CockSucker and MotherFucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. I mean, they’re just busy words. There’s a lot of syllables to contend with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jump out at you like “coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer.” It’s like an assualt on you. We mentioned Shit earlier, and 2 of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are Piss and Cunt, which go together of course. A little accedental humor there. The reason that Piss and Cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were certain ladies that said “Those are the 2 I am not going to say. I don’t mind Fuck and Shit but ‘P’ and ‘C’ are out.”, which led to such stupid sentences as “Okay you fuckers, I’m going to tinckle now.” And, of course, the word Fuck. I don’t really, well that’s more accedental humor, I don’t wanna get into that now because I think it takes to long. But I do mean that. I think the word Fuck is a very imprortant word. It is the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am said, “I’d rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love than 2 people trying to kill one another. I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but I like to take it a step further. I’d like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. “Okay, Sherrif, we’re gonna Fuck you now, but we’re gonna Fuck you slow.” So maybe next year I’ll have a whole fuckin’ ramp on the N word. I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any circumstanses. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget tHose 7. They’re out. But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words. Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? “…And the cock CROWED 3 times” “Hey, tha cock CROWED 3 times. ha ha ha ha. Hey, it’s in the bible. ha ha ha ha. There are some 2-way words, like it is okay for Kirk Youdi to say “Roberto Clametti has 2 balls on him.”, but he can’t say “I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don’t you? He’s holding them. He must’ve hurt them, by God.” and the other 2-way word that goes with that one is Prik. It’s okay if it happens to your finger. You can prik your finger but don’t finger your prik. No,no.

[seven words you can never say on TV lyrics from lyricsbox.]

Imagine visiting a friends home for dinner and afterwards you offer to help with the dishes. You friend welcomes your help and tosses you a roll of paper towels. They explain that they don’t use water or soap to clean their dishes and utensils, they simply wipe them down with a dry paper towel and put them back in the cupboard.

That pretty much sums it up. You simply cannot actually be clean down there by using just dry paper.

You might remember back when I was having some issues and I purchased this Middle Eastern Preparation H substitute. Well, the truth is that I never used it. Baby wipes actually solved the problem, and no other kind of problem has every popped up since. I have fully adopted the baby wipe as a natural part of my bathroom ritual. More recently I have become a full Baby Wipe Evangelist. So let me spell it out for you.

Using baby wipes to clean yourself after number 2 will change your life forever. You have never felt so clean and fresh before. Your health will improve. Your ass will love you. Girls will love you. You’ll smile more. You’ll carry travel wipes in your backpack. Traveling will be better. 13 hour flights will be better. Roadtrips will be better. Sitting down will be better. Your whole life will be better.

Trust me. I have converted a few people already and they are all much happier for it. One friend, a guy, recently said this to me, “You fucking bastard. It makes me sick, but now I think of you every time I wipe my ass.” His bathroom is now fully stocked with baby wipes, all the time.

So, in summation, read the manifesto, trust me, trust AAAA, and change your life. Use baby wipes.

I’m going to stand in the street in front of the reviewing stand and take pictures because I’m very important and I don’t care what anyone says. I might also stand in the middle of the route and take pictures and hold up the Parade. What do you think about that?
It’s a free country and you can do what you want. But if you obstruct the Parade or the view from the reviewing stand, we will bodily remove you. We’re running a parade and don’t have time to think about your portfolio, your video project or how expensive your camera is. Many of our security guards are poorly paid neighborhood guys who have no problem shoving someone face down onto the pavement when they don’t listen. if your nose, or camera, are broken in the process don’t come crying to us when you were standing someplace that you shouldn’t have.

I’ll post photos soon.

Searching YouTube will find you many more great segments of both Lara and Jon, but it time that we start getting real substantive news on one of the dozen 24-hour news channels and a hell of a lot less bullshit bickering by pundits and douchebags.

[via digg.]

[via firstshowing.net.]

[via MTV and firstshowing.net]

Fuck you, karate man.

[via boingboing.]

[thanks derek.]

I have no talents.

Good luck Joergen, I’ll see you soon.

I think he Can Dance - Watch more free videos

Fucking incredible.

Here’s a full list of all the references in the video.

[via daring fireball and many others.]